Let’s Keep it Real, Reader
Are you ready? Because I’m going to tell it like it is. Usually I put up some crafty things here to make you feel good, and that’s all it’s about. In my former blog, however, it was all about booze and drugs and whores, because that’s the imaginary life I lead. Somehow I have gotten away from all that (in my blogging life, I mean) what with all the stuffed animals and cuteness. It is now time, dear friends, to go back to our gross roots and talk some trash about how much I despise everything and how drunk I wish I were right now!
Things I secretly will judge you for, and give you bad marks, if you do:
1. Mispronounce the word “err”
2. Tell me what college you went to if it is in the Ivy League, unless I ask you
3. Tell me the designer of your diaper bag
4. Disparage yourself unnecessarily
5. Not admit, either explicitly or in an implied way, the superiority of the female gender
6. Not appease me in one of my frequent pissy moods
I’m not proud of all this. I think it is terrible to judge people, especially for something as snotty as mispronouncing the word “err.” It does give me great pleasure to discuss my evil personality issues, partly because like everyone else I am very vain and love to talk about myself, which is totally fine, and partly because I am under the illusion that if I admit I have these flaws they disappear or are mitigated somehow. Are they mitigated? I think they are. Blah, blah, blah.
On to my favorite things in life: booze, drugs, whores.
1. I like to drink, but not in moderation. My favorite thing is to spend eight or ten hours drinking so that one is thoroughly soused but not actually dying (yet) of alcohol poisoning; also to stay up until seven o’clock in the morning so you get that crazy feeling of liftoff which aids the alcohol. Then it’s nice to have a taco.
2. Oh, I love marijuana. Yes, how I love it! If only I lived in Jamaica and I could ride around in the back of a cab all day and the driver and I would share a joint the size of an ice-cream cone. That’s what happened when I went there. Remember, law enforcement officials, this is fiction.
3. Whores, whores, whores. Porn, porn, porn. This is probably what I would do if I had several lives to live.
I think that’s all for now. I’m feeling better. More real. The knobby old witch who directs traffic around here is going to yell at me, but I don’t care! Actually, I do care. It’s very annoying to be yelled at constantly. What I meant is that it won’t deter me. I’m suffering here for the benefit of truth. Sigh. Good job, me.